Introduction to the Journey of Healing

In the vast spectrum of life experiences, moments of profound powerlessness often stand out as defining markers of the soul. For me, this period was during my time in the Peace Corps in Gyumri, Armenia, where the city was still recovering from the aftermath of an earthquake. Yet, it was not the physical ruins that broke me, but the devastating reality of caring for orphaned infants who were orphaned due to the earthquake and seeing their lives decay without the ability to do anything to prevent it.

Feeling Unpowerful in Gyumri, Armenia

Gyumri, with its earthquake ruin, presented a stark contrast to the world I knew. However, it wasn’t just the physical destruction that was visible; it was the emotional and psychological scars that were more insidious. There was the heartbreaking narrative of infants being called "throw away babies" and the grim reality that without proper medical care and resources, they starved. The lack of available supplies and the skies clearing over black market vendors selling food, such as Iranian pasta, made for an environment suffused with desperation and helplessness.

One of the most haunting memories from this time was a baby who was barely a few months old. The infant was frail and wasting away, with the occasional dry heaves and moments of painful, indescribable sobs. The sheer helplessness I felt was overwhelming, not being able to do anything to alleviate their suffering or give them the care they so desperately needed. The dearth of medical resources and the reliance on black market purchases further added to the sense of powerlessness. The baby's life was too fragile, its cries too much for my heart to bear without any means to offer solace.

Another critical aspect of life in Gyumri was the scarcity and unpredictability of food. Iranian pasta, specifically, became a symbol of the struggle for sustenance. This pasta was so woefully inadequate in terms of quality that, when boiled, it would melt into a large, gooey blob, a disheartening sight that symbolized the entire region’s struggle. The emotional burden of seeing such struggles daily was immense, and it weighed heavily on my psyche, contributing to a darker, more oppressive environment.

The Impact on Mental Health and Decision Making

The experience in Gyumri was so profoundly traumatic that it triggered a severe form of depression. The harrowing scenes of infants needing care without the ability to provide help, coupled with the suffocating sense of powerlessness, pushed me to the brink of suicide. The psychological burden of such experiences is unbearable, and it is indicative of how deeply emotional trauma can affect one's mental health.

One day, in a moment of utter despair, I found myself contemplating the end of my existence rather than living in a world filled with such devastation and helplessness. The stark reality that I could do nothing to save these children or alleviate the suffering around me was overwhelming. The decision to seek help and explore the field of hospice care was a crucial turning point in my journey towards healing. Hospice care, with its focus on providing comfort and dignity to those in their final moments, offered me a sense of purpose and a framework to contribute meaningfully despite the overwhelming odds against me.

While the immediate cause of despair in Gyumri was the lack of resources and the inability to make a tangible difference, the underlying factor was the trauma of seeing so many lives ending in fear and pain. The ghosts of those infants resurfaced after 25 years. Each night, I would wake up haunted by their cries, the stark reality of their suffering, and the profound sense of powerlessness that I couldn't shake.

The Path to Healing

After the experience in Gyumri endured for two years, the psychological trauma required a deliberate and sustained effort to heal. Seeking therapy and counseling proved to be pivotal in addressing the lingering effects of the trauma. Talking about the events with a professional allowed me to process and understand my emotions better. Moreover, engaging in mindfulness and meditation practices helped me ground myself and find moments of peace amidst the chaos.

The transition to hospice care provided a meaningful outlet for my emotions. In working as a hospice care provider, I could immerse myself in helping others in their final moments, striving to ensure that every life ended with dignity and comfort. This shift in focus from grief and despair to providing comfort and support allowed me to channel my emotions into something positive and constructive. The skills and knowledge I gained in hospice care also enabled me to work with other grief-stricken individuals, offering support and healing to those who had undergone similar traumas.

Over the years, the memories of Gyumri and the infants have gradually faded, though they remain a sobering reminder of the importance of empathy, compassion, and the need for specialized care in delicate situations. My experience has not only led to a career in hospice care but has also profoundly influenced my personal growth and perspective on life.

Conclusion

Despite the overwhelming sense of powerlessness and despair that I felt during my time in Gyumri, the journey of healing and rebuilding has been a lifelong process. Through therapy, mindfulness, and the dedication to working in hospice care, I have found ways to transform my experiences into motivation and purpose. The key lessons from this experience are the importance of compassion, the value of empathy, and the resilience of the human spirit.

Looking back, I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the growth that came from experiencing such profound moments of powerlessness. Today, I find a deep sense of fulfillment in helping others navigate their final days with dignity and care.